Thursday, October 4, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Healing Divorce Anger
Anger is a normal emotion in the healing process in any divorce, but if it becomes destructive when turned into rage and vindictiveness. Whether you're on the giving or the getting end, it can literally drive you crazy. Here are some tips from Divorce Magazine for coping with divorce and taming the anger.
If you're angry...
If you're angry...
- Write it out where only you will read it.
- Shout it out where only you will hear it.
- Talk it out with a friend, therapist or support group.
- Take responsibility for your part in the breakup.
- Identify what triggers your anger.
- Think before you respond.
- Keep children out of the conflict.
- Hold conflicts at a moderate level.
- Choose your battles carefully - let the small stuff go.
- Express how you feel rather tossing out accusations.
- Acknowledge how sad you are.
- Forgive, let go, move on.
- Defuse anger by listening.
- Identify where you can help.
- Walk away or end the call if you can't handle the anger.
- Limit what you'll take and how you'll be treated.
- Boost self-esteem through assertiveness training.
- Deal with each issue separately.
- Don't take your ex-spouse's comments too personally.
- Stay calm. It's not your anger.
- Learn to recognize your own hot buttons.
- Try a little compassion - even if it's hard.
- Hear the pain, shame or fear behind the anger.
- Refuse face-to-face contact and screen calls if you sense any danger.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Renew Your Mind (Anger vs Love Diagram)
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It is important to discard the anger thinking-pattern and
replace it with the love thinking-pattern by renewing your mind. In the
love thinking-pattern, we are no longer focusing on selfishness. When you
discard lies, myths, deceptions, and misconceptions and replace them with the
truth, you are renewing your mind. You renew your mind by changing what you
believe. When you change your belief system, you can be transformed (see Romans
12:1,2).
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Discarding Lies and Embracing Truths. You can change the
anxiety in your personal world by changing what you believe. You can also begin
the process of overlapping your personal world with God's real world. The world
and the flesh will tell you lies through your experiences. The devil will plant
lies and deceptions directly into your mind and they will always seem to be your
thoughts. To renew your mind, begin by stating the belief, "I can reject each
lie or deception and choose to replace it with the truth. Each time I do this, I
will be renewing my mind." Then, compare each lie or deception in the left
column with the truth in the right column.
Use the following prayer to help you change each lie or deception that you currently believe to the truth. | |
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Read the following prayer aloud:
God, my Father, I discard the deception that (read the item in the left column) and choose to accept that (read the item in the right column) as the truth. I choose to make this part of my belief system and act on it in my daily life. In Jesus name. Amen. |
| Renewing Your Mind | |
|---|---|
| Anger Thinking-Pattern | Love Thinking-Pattern |
| Anger is a proper response to people who offend me. | Anger is a "red flag" that tells me that I am in danger of setting my mind on the flesh, living by my old nature, and putting myself before God and man. People do not offend me; rather, I choose to be offended. God wants me to respond to others with love. |
| It is proper to respond to the actions of others by thinking or saying, "You should of..." "You should..." "You could of..." "You could..." "If you would have..." "You shouldn't have..." "I expect you to..." "I expected you to..."I need you to..." "I needed you to..." "You're supposed to..." | When I focus on my requirements and myself, I am disappointed, annoyed, and dissatisfied, when others do not comply with my demands. God wants me to focus on Him and others. He wants me to work toward meeting their needs. I set myself up by using these anger thinking-patterns. |
| It is proper to criticize, judge, nag, belittle, name-call, and attack by saying, "You never..." "You always..."You had no right to..." "You don't measure up to..."You deserve my wrath and anger because..." | It is right and proper to accept the behaviors of others, good or bad, return good for evil, pray for those who use me, and to expect nothing from my loved ones and others. Other people deserve my love, mercy, and compassion. |
| To get my way, I can engage in warlike behaviors such as controlling, manipulating, threatening, pushing, and hitting. | I focus on His ways and purposes. I want Him to make me the person and spouse He created me to be. It is right and proper to work toward consensus in my relationships. I set myself up by using these anger thinking-patterns and behaviors. |
| I have the right to pursue my goals, dreams, desires, expectations, needs, wants, career, children, and so forth by whatever means necessary. I have the right to be angry when others stand in my way. | I want to pursue God's goals, dreams, desires, and expectations by conducting my life according to His ways, not mine. It is up to God to accomplish all of these things in His time. I will wait on God. I set myself up by using these anger thinking-patterns. |
| No negative consequences result from anger. It is a natural and normal way to deal with other people who offend me. | Anger is from my sin nature - my dead "old self" and gives Satan a place in my life. Satan will use anger to destroy my relationship with God and others. I set myself up by using these anger thinking-patterns. |
| I have the right to get angry, hostile, frustrated, irritable, critical, judgmental, violent, controlling, and so forth, anytime I want to achieve whatever I want. | God says anger does not accomplish His righteousness. We are to take off anger "as if" it was dirty clothing. We are to lay anger aside. We are to resolve any issue to which we have responded with anger by day's end. I am to use the love thinking-pattern. I am to achieve what God wants. |
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